Many identities latch on to us over the course of our lives: class clown, geek, creative, parent, slacker, you name it. 

Some identities are forged from our actions while some will shape our behavior with the expectations and baggage they bring with them. 

Some we wear like a badge of honour. Some cling on, like toilet paper on our shoe and seem impossible to shake off. 

Do we define our own identity, or does it define us?

How can we shape our own identity and become who we choose to be?

To answer those questions, we’ll look at the 4 different identity types that we contend with on a daily basis: the given identity, the self-imposed identity, the aspirational identity and finally the proven identity.

Given Identity:

This is the identity that has been bestowed upon us by others. Your mom, your grade 3 English teacher, your friends. These given identities can be accurate or complete horse shit.

Either way, these can have a significant impact on our lives. In fact, they are often the first sense of identity that we receive in our formative years before we are even really aware or able to make up our own minds about who we want to be.

Our parents, siblings and caretakers start to pick out noticeable traits of our personality and start to use them to identify us. We might even have done this ourselves to our own kids or nephews or cousins.

”Oh my, Suzie loves arts and crafts so much. Have you seen this painting!!?? How does a 2-year-old even do that? I am sure she will grow up to be an artist.”

These given identities are handed out without much thought about how influential they can be in a young person’s life. How many times has some version of the following story taken place in elementary schools across the globe:

Joey is 9 years old and he has a problem. He is buzzing with energy and feels a deep urge to expend that energy in any way he can. He wishes he could run around outside, but it’s math class, not run outside time. However hard he tries, he just cannot be interested. He throws his eraser at Billy to get his attention but instead gets in trouble with the teacher for disturbing the class. This happens every morning at 9:37 until Joey earns a new given identity: The Class Clown. Over the next few years, he fulfills his role perfectly by constantly getting into trouble.

In the same classroom, Julio enjoys quiet, focused activities and excels at math. He is able to complete his assignments on his own and gets rewarded by his parents and teachers for his good performance. He has quickly been identified as ”The Smart One”. Because of his success, he is encouraged to pursue more challenging learning objectives and participate in school committees. He may even develop mentorship relationships with some teachers to help him reach his ambitious objectives as he grows into his given identity.

It isn’t all roses and butterflies for Julio either though. His smart kid identity has a different value on the playground than it does in the classroom and his closeness with teachers has earned him another identity with his peers: The Teachers Pet. 

Joey dreads the classroom and can’t wait to get to the playground where he rules as king with his friends while Julio feels alienated and wishes he could stay in the safe embrace of the classroom forever.

Having a new identity slapped onto your chest like a name tag can happen before you know it. Depending on the virtue of this identity, we can either live up to the underlying expectations of that role or live down to them. The go-getter will go and get, the screw up will…well, you get the idea.

This type of external influence on our identity is not reserved for the classroom. We continue to receive new labels throughout our lives. Even as confident, fully grown adults, the way other people identify us can still affect our behavior.

When you start a new job, your boss and your peers will identify you with a label that rings true to them and expectations for your future actions will be created.

You can be a loving, faithful partner for decades, but if you have one affair you will be a cheater. A single action can change your identity forever.

Whether we notice it or not, the people that we interact with on a daily basis view us through the lens of the identity they have given us. Given the chance, we will prove them right.

Self-Imposed Identity:

As we grow from child to adult, we naturally develop a stronger sense of self. This may be an extension or evolution of the identities we have been given. It may be based on our accomplishments and core values. They can also be directly linked to our passions or careers. 

These identities can be aspirational or earned from proven accomplishments. They can be forged in truth or be the product of our insecurities or ego.

Like the given identity that we inherit, our self-imposed identity can shape our own perception of what we are capable of. It can hold us back when we’re not even aware of the limiting labels that we’ve placed on ourselves.

A manifestation of limiting labels that appears in my own life is how I identify with being an outsider. I’ve come to realize over the years that although I am a sociable person and I can easily create surface-level connections with many different types of people, I struggle to let people in and make deep, lasting friendships.

This perspective is based on my experience in high school, 15 years ago. I played sports with the jocks, hung out and played music with the punk-rock kids and participated in student committees with the keeners. I had a great time!

This outsider identity latched on a couple of years later when I realized that even though I always had friends to hang out with,  I had kept in touch with exactly one person after graduation. 

This is my own fault, I did not make any more effort than my old friends to stay in touch while I could have reached out. The outsider identity was created and stuck to me all the same. 

I’ve lived by it without noticing for years after it first made its way into my psyche. It shows up as a positive trait when I give myself permission to think outside the box because I perceive myself as being different from my peers, but it also crawls out of the woodwork to kindle up old insecurities about belonging and fitting in.

Overcoming this subconscious predisposition requires a lot of effort and I still struggle to open up create deep connections with people.

Aspirational Identity:

Everyone has something or someone that they aspire to be. The best possible version of who we can become.

Looking up to where we want to be and identifying with it can serve as a roadmap for growth. If I dream of being an alpinist and summiting Everest,  I can start identifying with that dream self from my living room couch and use it as fuel.

Alpinists don’t spend 100% of their time on mountains, they also have couches that they sit on between summits. Asking questions like, ”What does someone like Jimmy Chin do when he is not on the mountain?” and emulating that behaviour allows us to take the first steps towards ambitious aspirations when we don’t even know how to start.

Trying on an aspirational identity has been a powerful catalyst for me. I am a man of many dreams. For better or worse, that’s how I operate. I would often feel stuck or ”less than” because I have a demanding day job and I struggle to live up to my dreams. If you look at how I spend my time and who I spend it with, it’s clear that a big part of my identity is being an engineer. It’s an identity that I enjoy and it has served me well, but whenever I would feel the pull towards an artistic, creative life, resistance would kneecap me before I ever got started. All the classic excuses would come up:

I don’t have time to take months off and focus on writing an album, or a book.

I am too mentally drained at the end of the workday to make art. 

Serious, boring engineer types don’t do art. They do sciency complicated stuff for big industries, go to sleep and start again the next day.

The truth is, most artists also have day jobs. Making a living with your art is a really hard thing to do! It doesn’t mean that it can’t be done or that we shouldn’t try, but the romantic starving artist picture that we paint in our heads is way overrated and having a stable career that pays well isn’t a bad thing.

When I started identifying as an artist that does engineering to pay the bills and support my family instead of an engineer that does art in his spare time it felt like a revelation. This shift happened before I started actively working on artistic projects and giving them the real effort that they deserve.

Now let’s be clear, I have not made a single dollar from my artistic ventures at this point. I haven’t won any prizes, I am not famous and I’m not as prolific as I would like to be. 

What I have done is spent my free time in a way that is meaningful to me and allow myself to start and give an honest try towards my artistic dreams. Fighting resistance each day, pulling myself closer to my aspirational identity. It has brought me here, at the desk at 5 AM on a Saturday morning writing this post because it is important to me. It has brought a significant amount of joy and satisfaction to my life.

When Things Don’t Add Up

Life is by definition constantly evolving and changing. It is not static and neither are we. Our identity will evolve with us as we grow from infant to teenager to adult to senior. As our own understanding of who we are changes along with people’s expectations, things are going to chafe.

Oftentimes, when we feel anxious, stressed out or just ”off” it can be traced down to a conflict between the different identities that we carry. 

Given vs Self

The given identities that others associate with us act as the lens through which they see us. They shape the expectations and opinions that our friends, bosses and parents, from about us. The tension that builds when this outsider’s perspective is not in alignment with our own sense of who we are is difficult to deal with. 

When we feel like we have to put on a mask to fit in at work or to be accepted by a certain group of people it is draining and anxiety-provoking.

When friends or lovers grow in separate directions and don’t connect in the same way they used to because they are not the same people that they were 15 years ago, it is heartbreaking.

When our parents view us through the loving but over-optimistic lens of parenthood and we feel like we will never be as good in reality as we are in their kind, loving hearts, the fear of letting them down can drive us away.

Self vs Self

We don’t need the identities that others give us to feel conflicted, we are perfectly capable of bringing ourselves down with our own internal struggles.

As we grow and change, our sense of self can lag behind. It can be really hard to let go of parts of our lives that don’t serve us anymore. Most bad things in life have some good aspects to them, or at least parts that feel good in the moment, just like many good things in life come with a shit sandwich. We don’t even have a choice sometimes. Life can lead us down a path where we are forced to change, even if we don’t want to.

Leaving an old identity behind and stepping into a new one is unsettling. It feels like losing yourself a little bit, because it is. It is a natural process and letting our old identity hang on when we are trying to change is self-sabotage. Literally, our old selves trying to claw at our new selves. Resistance wants us to stay put. We can’t let it hold us back.

Aspiration – Ashmiration

Although trying on an aspirational identity is a powerful tool for personal evolution, it is important to understand that these things are borrowed. They are not ours unless we grow into them and pay the price on the tag. 

The universe will supply us with an infinite amount of interesting and beautiful identities to try on. Some of them we’ll put on in the changing room, look in the mirror and know immediately that it’s horrendous. We wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that one in public and quickly put it back on the rack. Others we’ll want to borrow and wear out to see how it feels out in the world.

If we hold on to these too long without paying the price and taking action, these borrowed identities will have the opposite effect. They will fill our lives with doubt, anxiety and negative perceptions from ourselves and others. 

We all know a phony when we see one and we know when we are acting phony even if we try to ignore it. 

I wish I had a better word for this but I don’t. Don’t be a phony, it feels like shit.

Proven Identity:

The different sources of identity discussed up to this point are all subjective. Formed by our own perspective and aspirations or that of others. There is a more concrete identity that is always there, beneath the surface pulling the strings. 

The picture that is painted when we look at how we spend (or don’t spend) our time and money, along with the physical objects that we accumulate is what I call the proven identity. Even if this identity is a bit more objectively measurable, It can be a sneaky one to pin down. We might not even be aware of it, but it can still cause friction when it is not in line with our actions.

There are a few ways to bring the proven identity to light.

Follow The Money

Looking back at how our disposable income was spent can be a tedious, but eye-opening experience. 

I’ve often found that I will spend money on things in an area of life that I identify with, but don’t put enough time and effort towards.

The periods where I put the least amount of time towards playing music line up perfectly with when I was compelled to buy the most equipment.

This pattern repeats itself again and again. When I feel compelled to buy stuff it’s a warning sign that, although I identify strongly with something, I am not actively giving that identity the time and attention that it needs to feel real. I am using the instant gratification of getting shiny new objects as a replacement for the satisfaction of working on what I love. It never lasts.

The Calendar Doesn’t Lie

In a similar way, looking back at our calendar and analyzing how our time was spent will reveal some conflicts in identity. 

If you identify as a writer, but work 70 hours per week at your ”real job” and spend your time off drinking with work friends, you are more of a sociable workaholic than a writer. 

If you love your job and the people that you work with, this might not be such a bad thing. The internal conflict comes from holding on to that unfulfilled writer identity and not feeding it with the appropriate amount of deliberate action.

There is no real ”bad” or ”good” way to spend our time. The important thing is to realize that if we identify strongly with something and spend little to no time doing that thing, it is bound to leave us feeling conflicted.

The Stuff Of Dreams

In my early 20s, I really wanted to be an outdoor adventure person. I would spend hours each week watching YouTube videos about people’s backpacking adventures in the wilderness and researching the best gear available for when I take the leap and go on an adventure of my own.

I bought tons of stuff, only the best, and planned out different mountains to climb and countries to visit. It was all good fun to have this dream and talk about it with friends.

It started becoming an issue when year after year, summer would come and go and my fancy new camping gear had still never seen the great outdoors. Slowly but surely the fun, good feeling that I had been getting from this dream faded. All the stuff I had bought turned into a painful reminder that I wasn’t doing the thing. I had put up a large part of my identity towards the dream of being an outdoorsman and I wasn’t actually doing it.

Each time I would see the camping gear I had accumulated it was a painful reminder of my failure to live up to my own expectations. I was just not ready to put in the time and effort required to actually be an outdoor adventurer.

 I didn’t sell all the gear and give up entirely, but I changed my perspective. I made peace with the fact that I am more of a ”go camping a couple of times per year” than a ”walk the Appalachian trail” kind of guy. I was able to let go of that aspirational identity and find joy in the activity again. The camping equipment is now a happy reminder of the occasional great weekends spent in nature.

Diving into the stuff that we were once excited about but now gathers dust in the hidden nooks and crannies of our homes is a good way to identify aspirational identities that we are not living up to. Sometimes figuring out what we are not is the first step towards figuring out who we really are.

Reinvention And The Power Of Letting Go

Letting go of an unfulfilled aspirational identity is difficult. After all, we’re talking about our hopes and dreams here.

You would think that letting go of an identity that we never wanted in the first place would be easier. It isn’t.

We are the stories about ourselves that we believe to be true. Aspects of our identity that we don’t love but believe serve us in their unique way. Even if sticking with these limiting narratives can be painful, they are also a scapegoat for staying right where we are. Unhappy and conflicted in the warm embrace of our comfort zone.

Identifying as a slacker is a good excuse to not get anything done. Just like believing that you are a fuckup gives you a hall pass to constantly fuck things up. It’s living down to expectations that you and others attribute to that identity.

Letting go of an identity that doesn’t serve us anymore is a powerful thing to do. It feels like losing 20 pounds, like being 10 years younger and waking up from restful sleep. It is hard. It demands consistent effort, but it is possible and entirely worth it.

So how do we do it? Where do we even start this uphill battle of being intentional about who we are and how people perceive us?

The answer isn’t easy, but it’s simple: Action.

Actions are the one undeniable thing that defines us.

Think of the person that you want to be. What would that person do? Craft an aspirational identity that inspires you to live up to its standards instead of living down to low expectations.

Be kind to yourself. There will be slipups along the way and things aren’t always going to go as planned, but no matter what, do something. One action, each day that brings you incrementally closer to who you want to be.

Once your actions have earned you an identity that you are proud of, it becomes easier. It is simply who you are now. You are ready to let go of limiting identities that don’t serve you anymore. Make peace with them. Be kind to them and say:

”Thank you for sticking with me over the years and keeping me cozy inside my comfort zone. There is someone else I need to be right now. I wish you well.”

Kiss it goodbye and don’t look back.